so you gotta let me know-oh... should i stay or should i go...

the other night I was playing with my not-boyfriend... and yes you dirty dogs when I say playing I do not mean 'scrabble'

then the idiot-boy said something brilliantly stupid... I mean I'm sure in his head it sounded pithy, witty and cute (because he's not a cruel man deep-down) but i'm lying there in his arms (still a little wobbly and not yet ready to fully open my eyes) and he says...

well I can say if someone asks that I definitely do Not have a girlfriend, but i can say i have a Sex Kitten

to my credit - without missing a beat i responded...

that's because i haven't decided to Let you be my boyfriend yet, you'll have to win me over better than that... ask me again in a month or two

but - of course - in my head i'm thinking 'gee dear, really? glad to see that i mean nothing more than a toy to you... clearly my caring for you is a one way street.' because - unfortunately - i do care for the man, deeply... I think i'm even a little bit in love. well, no - not 'in love' - but i do love him a bit and that foolish thoughtless statement hurt me big-time.

Yes we have an 'understanding' and yes this is currently dubbed a 'casual' relationship... but that doesn't mean it has to be thoughtless and that caring can't enter into it. and, frankly, I don't BOTHER to date someone if i don't see the potential for it to be a worthwhile relationship... I mean really what's the point (banal conversation and mediocre sex?)

now - i'm not sitting here saying 'commit to me or else!!' because a.) ooh scary and b.) i'm not ready yet to give him much more than the admission that i have feelings and would like to let this 'thing' continue to grow...

but i also know that if it keeps growing the way it has been and no one does anything terribly stupid and/or hurtful to one another, then eventually that little nugget of love in my heart is going to grow up to be a real live boy... uh, i mean emotion.

As my good friend said when I was bitching about this Stupid statement to her 'he likes you, he's just thinking with his balls not his mind'... all well and good for a one-night stand, not so intelligent for an ongoing whatever-this-is... and I have been making a point to take his heart into account... mine has no Less scar tissue on it than his does.. I guess I'm just a bit braver is all.

the fact of the matter is - as we get closer i seem to have a built in '48-hours later... RUN!' clause. And this is the second week in a row i've almost broken up with Him a couple days after I saw him because the feelings are feeling too feelingY... i've had to admit to myself that i Do want this to work out... and have no idea if he sees this as something that could grow - or if it's only supposed to be a lovership of sorts.

frankly, i'm not interested in a dead-end-street, no matter how pretty the cobblestones might be. i can be patient (stop Laughing at me! I CAN!) if there's room for things to change and become more as time goes on... but if this is all it will ever be...

time to go - and I already got my running shoes on...

do a little dance, make a little love...

Falling is rarely fun - especially if, like me, you are klutzy and accident prone as 'tis... as I like to say - i'm only graceful with a weapon in my hand. It happens to also be truth. the other night i fell twice - once while working on a fight for funsies over at en gaurde... the 2nd time in bed (well at least there was padding right?)

My lover and I have an understanding... our pseudo-relationship is stringless and practically label-less... I believe the phrase we agreed upon was 'the person sharing my bed.' Both of us have more than the allotted amount of carry-on baggage and the gentleman, in particular, has requested a freedom to explore other opportunities of romantic entanglement should the desire arise; I countered with 'as long as the desire stays in your pants until such time as you have cleared the concept with me first and allowed me the choice of remaining in this situation whilst you fertilize other fields'

i really am not great at sharing and frankly should he decide he'd rather plow a different furrow I believe our understanding will at that time come to an end... and i Will cry - but I will not waver...

the only hitch in this oh-so-very-mature-sounding-plan is... he only ever asked if I could agree to this set-up... he never actually asked if it was what I wanted. But it didn't occur to me until just now that that aspect of the conversation had not been addressed... and I've just managed to make me wonder.

There's a phrase that has haunted my romantic life as far back as I can remember... 'feels like home;' it's in movies and music, has been whispered to me by a spider as he escorted me into his parlor (one from which I very nearly didn't escape) and yet continues to call to me as i have in this life generally felt a nomad in my own skin... and ever-so-rarely-often we run into those mortals whose skin resonates at the same frequency ours does and you sink into the lovely feeling of belonging (whether or not the reality supports that belief system - it is visceral and therefor difficult to ignore)

Here I stand again - feeling versus knowledge at competition within myself. I know to be fact that my relationship can barely be described as 'dating' and I have told him to his face that I would Not call him my Boyfriend... but even in the short span we have been lovers i've come to accept and appreciate his presence in my bed and have noticed I tend to hug 'his' pillow closer when I fall asleep alone these days.

Don't get me wrong - i am So not in love... I mean, hell I've only known the guy about 6 months (if that) and we've not even been doing - this... whatever you call it - a month... but i have honestly had to catch myself periodically from saying or doing or thinking something inappropriately 'close' because he feels like... well, home.

And then this thing happened... I met up with him at a place where he was watching a thing with some friends... (ok - a Bar and a comedy show - see, it really didn't matter what the noun's were) and after some groovy hanging out we then went to my place... the plan was to watch a video but the DVD wouldn't scan (I use a PS2 for all my media needs - it's not 100%) and my 'puter needs speakers and the volume couldn't be adjusted for actual viewing... so we started making out instead... ya know, like ya do. eventually this led to where all good make-out sessions lead, the boudoir, and this isn't That kind of blog so you're not getting any details!

Well, ok, just this one - because this is the point of the story. at some point my focus shifted, and I stopped worrying so damn much about my own pleasure (and trust me it wasn't for lack of opportunity) and slipped into 'giving rather than getting' mode. I have always found as much pleasure out of watching my lovers enjoy themselves and, while this was no exception, it Was a 'more so.' Somehow my heart tripped just a little and as shudders happened physically - internally, spiritually, i felt my own...

it was a little stumble - I didn't fall far... and jumped back to my feet quickly and self-lectured not to mistake that bobble for a real emotion, not to mistake the moment for anything other than a beautiful one and not to see future from the recent present... kept that lecture going until he rolled over and captured me in his embrace asking 'and what are you muttering about over there?" 'nothing!' i said vehemently, and stuck to that story when pressed... how do you tell your not-boyfriend that you were busy reminding yourself that you were not in love with him?

I left him asleep in my bed the next morning... I had to get to work yet it was admittedly difficult to leave. I had a smile on my face all day...

but that's all that was...

infertility runs in my family...

there's always something So refreshing about the many variations of the 'condom scare' and how people react to it... she says tongue-in-cheekly... frankly it's been my experience that it's usually the fella a bit too blase and myself having to 'deal' with the issue practically... i refuse to have the conversation about "how to deal with the possible repercussions" until they are actually needing to be dealt with - what with the tendency to touch upon nature's most tender mental-bits in the course of that questioning... because when something has already gone wonky it's generally a 'good' idea to exacerbate it by having a high-stakes, potentially offensive and wounding conversation...

That being the most general case in my experience you find me currently bemused by the situation i found myself in last night... as I was too Too far gone to be 'professional' about the not-quite-crisis...

looking at the logistics of the situation: the 'where'd that pesky prophylactic go' issue typically happens when the male of the pairing - ahem - "finishes" prior to the female of the pairing (i have no idea if same-sex couples have this issue - guys?? i presume not girls because by definition what would a lesbian use a condom On? Well - ok - if they use dildos etc sure... but those don't change size nor shape so don't count in this scenario - i'm talking pure biology here for this line of thought) and yet is kind enough to listen to her body's cues that if we can just hold it together a little bit longer.... firewrks! but not always is this the case and sometimes you end up with slippage.

now- i'm a highly sexualized beast as it is... and freely admit that i have been known to reach a point where all rational thought within my sexplay has ceased... not that i have actually reverted to a feral animal - but 'primal' would be a term I could use accurately... and considering the lovely creature in my bed has a catnip effect on me as 'tis (all puns intended) when it was realized this fun event had happened i just literally couldn't bring the grey matter to follow the logical conclusions of what must now be done (largely involving soap, water and lots of finger-crossing)

calmly and gently - and repeatedly until the words began to register through my quivering - he urged me to wash up and take care of the situation... i whined - i know i whined because I attempted to apologize for whining when i returned to bed... however in my defense, I was hurting there!

i once read a book where the men of the planet were so much larger and more powerful than the women that the only way they could punish them (in this hugely misogynistic society... hey - i didn't Write the book - i just read the sucker) was sexually... turn them on to the peak of madness and then leave them unfulfilled. I can speak to the efficacy of this technique, however in this case it wasn't intended to be mean... t'was more 'unfortunate.' And thanks to modern medicine and my genetic pre-disposition to not spawning, I wasn't as worried as one typically would be (my concern has ever more been about microbes than gametes).

the fascinating thing is, out of all the lovers I have had - and after 16 years of 'activity' i've had a small handful of souls cross through my experience - this is the first time where i saw 'him' take initiative and concern... in fact my prior experience in this situation the 'him' involved had no Clue the 'accident' had happened until it was far too late do do anything except the finger-crossing portion of the preventatives... there's something really cool about seeing a man take ownership of a situation that all too often is the woman's cross to bear...

it's funny cuz' it's true...

Another badish habit of mine is the crush...

I don't mean having an attraction to someone - feeling them out - perhaps going on a date or even (shock! awe!) two to see if there is a mutual compatibility and then either parting friends or living happily ever after until the next pair of eyes leads you astray...

I mean - the unattainable beauty you talk about incessantly to ALL of your friends (ad nauseum - by definition) that you dayandnight-dream about wondering if any of your fantasies ever have the leastest chance of touching the boundaries of reality and knowing that were they to do so the universe as we all know it would implode... the one you avoid eye contact with at work/school/church/that party/class because you know if you locked gazes you'd a.) become a stumbling-mumbling idiot and likely drool all over your new shoes - but more importantly because b.) you KNOW that once they realized that all brain functionality had ceased on your end that they would figure out your big secret that you Like-them like-them....

I am masterful at this game - it keeps me out of having to deal with nasty sticky little objects like feelings and emotions and real-life with real people... i mean you start messing around with that stuff and the next thing you know you actually care and then they can hurt you because chinks in armor have been found and no one ever really stays...

ahem

i mean, i have a terrible habit of really liking someone - and then when I Have them... realizing i didn't want Them so much as I wanted the game.. I'm Such a dude when it comes to that - addicted to the chase, no interest in the pay-off - thing... I honestly couldn't tell you how many people I was really into until the moment i heard they were into me back and then all I could see was crooked tooth, pimple, love-handle, bad taste in clothes, annoying laugh, clearly not a big enough package.... or whatever other reason I would find to cull them from the list... and this is after already being one of the pickier women I know when it comes to definitions of attraction... and she wonders why she's perpetually single folks!

so, as per usual, there's this guy... i've liked him for a while but only recently gotten to know him and I was busy with my most recent affair when we met so I was distracted at first... and then the swell of fortune's tide took us back into one another's proximity and I was forced to interact with him on a routine basis... for the first few weeks I thoroughly enjoyed my typical response - the crushY playful excitement of random encounter - the play-by-play with best girl friends... and my ex, because really he's as much of one of my BgF's as any of the ladies... the building anticipation throughout the week as it came closer to the day i would see Him again...

all in good fun, sure - no worries - i didn't even take it Seriously, know my pattern Watched it happening Called it my 'impossible crush' and him the 'man of my pipe-dreams'... and then something shifted...

maybe it was because there weren't that many of us there that day so all of us were being less than - ahem - professional... maybe it was just my complete sleep-deprivation causing me to forgo any filter whatsoever and, being maskless, just reacted to him as a Me rather than as a 'girl i think might not freak him out or make him think i'm retarded' but something was different and yes *I* flirted... altho' I didn't start it necessarily I also didn't pull off into the road of 'safe response' like i probably would have... and I certainly didn't pull any punches when he brat-attacked me... in front of everyone I might add... omg - he actually even literally pulled my pigtails at one point... if we were five i'd be Sure he liked me back... but being in our thirties... so much harder to read...

so i walked away and spent that evening and the next day trying desperately to convince myself that i didn't like him - wasn't even Attracted to him anymore and clearly that weird phase of crush I had was silly and is now Over!

yes - i'm the girl that as soon as the guy she likes starts acting interested back runs screaming in the opposite direction

because then I had to acknowledge that I actually liked him... not just wanted to jump him - not just foolishly attracted to him because i know he is bad for me - not just creating a fantasy in my head so i don't notice how lonely i am in my current situation... but i actually liked this guy who exists in real life and does actual things and some small few of them have been for my benefit - and I can't even quite wrap my brain around that; that for some reason i haven't yet made him think so badly of me that he wouldn't, couldn't be bothered to help me...

i mentioned him to my dad on the phone this morning - and as I knew his response would be - my dad loves him already... in an odd way he actually reminds me of my dad - and that has also been something i've slightly struggled with, because it's a little weird... thankfully the similarities are Not physical (which would just be gross) but as far as certain personality traits and moral/spiritual grounding is concerned... yeah...

basically -- he is the guy i would have fallen desperately and instantly in love with when I first moved to the city - when I was still in touch with my upbringing and my spiritual self (rather than the x-mas card exchange situation i've got going on with that part of me these days) and part of me wants to believe that that girl is still in there somewhere and that there really is a boy who wants that girl and will be there with her... and most of me is dead frightened that i've gone too far - been hurt too much - become too guarded, jaded, and broken that the girl i was will never be right for the boy she had hoped one day to find...

it's like he's too late ya know? and it's not Fair!

maybe it's just in the stars...

clearly this blog is not one of those 'once a day habits' :P

i've been pondering a concept the past few months...

people are often canalized in youth; this can apply to food likes and dislikes - political affiliations - and most often the way we interact with, judge, and respond to the people around us on a day-to-day...

these past few weeks the tendency that's been intriguing me is a simple form of attraction... if you've ever asked me 'what's your type' the typical answer would be 'tall, thin, big nose... funny, smart and willing to put up with my brand of goof'

never really have understood that 'big nose' part of it... well, except... ok who the hell am i kidding we All Know why i head for those of the impressive schnoz... and, in fact, it does matter }:-)

But the true fact is - that hasn't been my type in a very long time and never really was... i just dated a string of dudes that fell into that description... but when i'm honest with myself, what catches my eye - what causes unexpected rushes of blood to bodyparts unnamed and electric tingles to frisson through nerve endings temporarily forgotten... is as disparate from that description as my current job is from my chosen profession...

a few months ago I finally figured out where the dichotomy broke (if not why it exists)... when I was young I was really into greek mythology, and in my mind i was kin to artemis... the maiden warrior who ran with night, better and faster and stronger than any man... a fierce competitor, but kind to - the champion of - those small weak creatures that could not defend themselves... when I'm very honest with myself I see how very much that has shaped the woman i have become in this life.

If you read the version of the myths that i did - you'll know the only man ever able to get through her ice-queen exterior was one heralded as the greatest human hunter of all time - a warrior like herself - skilled with any weapon he placed his large hands upon, yet secure enough in his own skills to allow the goddess to be herself in all ways without once trying to possess or overcome her... a partner in the hunt, and eventually in her heart... Orion

For as long as I can remember seeing his form begin to travel across our horizon (the true reason I never mind when the seasons once again turn cold) has brought a smile to my lips and a whispered 'hello' and my tastes for this 'sort' of man run clearly through my preferences and sympathies... and yet in thirty years i'd never put my finger on the 'why' of it... for when someone in our 'modern' society typically envisions 'hunter' the thought comes attached to images of overly-testosterone-full unempathetic 'manly-men' and not someone i'd necessarily choose to have a conversation with left to my own devices...

But the orion i 'know' is hardly a zero on the kinsey scale... instead he is a man of honor above reproach (in terms of his dealings with the goddess) and an enthusiastic and equal partner in their exploits through field and forest... i can't deny i've always longed to share the fight with a worthy compatriot.. and it no longer surprises me when a dark and flashing pair of eyes sets my heart to race, a crooked and inviting grin to curl my lips...

it's probably a good thing i don't have a twin brother...

It ain't easy being this pretty...

So.. in this story we have a cast of characters two of whom have the same name and the third who's name is too close to keep this easy to follow... so we'll call them B'day boy - DB (for dodged bullet) - and dude...

While I was in NC got random blast-from-past friending on ye old time-suck facebook... DB was in a show with me last year and apparently just got sucked into the vortex, found me and messaged about a free flogging molly concert...

Free? Flogging Molly? Hell Yeah!!

Turns out it was just a few days after I got back - in that addled period of return where i still hadn't actually Slept yet and was having a hard time not overlaying the campus atop my normal city-walk, readjustment was slow this time as I was loathe to admit i was back in the 'real world'

So I meet up with DB before the concert - we have a few drinks... which turn into a couple drinks... get there just as the boring opening band is finishing up - Perfect timing, grab a beer from the beer tent and get set to enjoy a kick-ass show - only problem was - we were both kinda drunk... the place we stopped beforehand was a buy-one-get-one happy hour deal and the bartendress did not have an - ahem - 'light hand' with the pour... so we pretty much had the equivalent of four drinks in an hour and a half - oops! And at some point in the concert, DB leans down and kisses me (wtf?! where the heck did That come from?!?) well turns out DB had had a thing for me during our show but was seeing some chick and yada yada yada same old story different players... well, i haven't been kissed more than thrice in 8 months at that point and he didn't precisely suck at it - oh and did i mention the excessive consumption of alcohol? So i went along for the ride, it seemed in keeping with the outdoorsy concert and hot irish punk music and was a fun summertime thing ta do... shrug, i don't date and i'm a pretty chaste person all things considered - but every girl needs a little facenom now and again...

So at some point in the evening we decide to go see a mutual friend in a free show that sunday - who was BTW excellent, brilliant actor! - and i get a bit of a shock at the show because some people that betrayed me a while back happened to be in it which i didn't know and that was weird - so we went off walking for a bit after cuz I needed to clear my head (and I hadn't yet twigged that DB kept only suggesting freebie events...) wandered thru a street fair that took over 6th avenue and when my knees started to ache I suggested going to rudy's for some R&R...

ran into another Mutual Friend on the way, so we all went - MF left and i could Not drink any more cheap-ass beer (2 is my limit - yuk!) and I suggested we grab some food because all I'd had to eat that day was a bunch of fruit - which i had thoughtfully brought to the show for snacking... DB, btw brought nothing to the picnic show in the park - nor did he pay for anything at Rudy's... in fact MF brought the first round and then DB pretended to go get drinks and then went 'oh - they don't take cards' in a fake confused voice... and EVERYone knows Rudy's is cash only! But I had money and was planning on covering a round anyway - so I paid, no big.

When I mention food DB starts in the whole 'oh i'm not hungry' vein and I say - no, really i need to eat - so he then goes along... now I am starting to get the hint at this point, so i suggest blockheads - one of my Favorite cheapo summertime haunts because of the perfect storm of cheap food - $3 margaritas - and outside seating...

We have 2 drinks each and some appetizers over the course of the next few hours... turned into an unexpectedly long hang out (and I Know DB was thinking of it as date - but *I* was quite definitely thinking of it as 'test') and unfortunately - while the conversation kept up - i noticed two not good things -a.) i never made eye contact with him while *I* was talking, and when i did it was jarring and a little creepy b.) if i was trying to tell a story he'd continually interrupt me to go off on some inane tangent about himself...

now i have NO issues listening to other people's stories - i love being entertained - but i am a storyteller myself, and do enjoy finishing mine - especially not cool when the interruptions are for boring crap (like, i'm telling deep story of some crazy shit that went down once and he interrupts to say 'yeah, i get that, being in a frat was hard...' WTF??) So I realize this is going nowhere and I start the 'oh, i need to get home' speech... get the check and he starts to say 'I'll get this since you paid for the drinks at Rudy's' and I start the obligatory 'you don't have to do that' and then see his face blanch (i actually thought it was just a figure of speech until this moment) so I simply pull out my card and set it down to pay for my meal...

The check was Thirty Two Dollars - i mean come ON! I spend more than that on Coffee some days!!

But - it gets worse... he insists on at least paying for my drinks since i Did buy a round earlier, I concede and when he hands over the cards to the waiter tells him to put more on my card than the actual price of my food and when he gets his check back UNDERtips the waiter!!! thank god i had already overtipped so at least our guy got something decent.. but o.m.g.! I am pretty much done with the situation at this point - but i can be a bit of a pussy when it comes to letting guys down so when he asks me if he can see me again (again? this was SO not a date!) i hem and haw and say 'we'll see when we have our calendars... we'll... talk'

btw guys? that means 'no' in girlspeak

So, the plot thickens... i've already forgotten about DB more or less - except to gossip about the unholy cheapness and how icky it was! (dude also stole the rest of my food left over from the park!) but B'day boy's party was last night - and DB had already indicated an interest in going - and called me (and I had - uh - avoided both the call and VM from the day before... just didn't have the patience to deal with it yet - but when he called again the next day - sigh... 'hello') to ask if he should cuz he'd really like to see me... sigh, again... i don't say no because i do believe in letting people know you're not interested in person but sorta hope he doesn't show... yet, I am not that lucky... he shows.

I avoid the hell out of him - which should have been a Clear Sign... i mean i hardly say 'hey' cuz it had gotten late enough i'd had hope... and yet when another friend shows I go right up for the big hug and 'Hi!' the new arrival and I step out for a smoke... my friend finishes first and goes in to fetch a drink, and moments later DB steps outside - with a drink in hand which is Super stupid on 2nd avenue in the east village as - hello! cops! he starts lamely trying to be suave (in this instance that's pronounced 'swa-vey') but Ugh! and I finally just go for it rather than continue the farce...

as nicely as humanly possible I say "Sooo... there's this thing... uh, 'insert friend speech here'"

he did NOT take it very well at ALL - started to get a bit pissy and implying i was being an ass and must be crazy because we had this awesome connection..(??) but thank God for B'day boy who stepped out just then, ostensibly to look for other folk coming in, but i knew he was playing wingman for me - god luv'im... I instantly start chatting with B'day and when he wanders inside DB is just pissed that i didn't even pretend like we were having a 'serious conversation' and is like - well that sux cuz I really thought things were great and i felt something and that hasn't happened in a long time (etc etc) I'm leaving...

so now I feel like a first rate heel - but what could i do - i did NOT want to continue that thing and we only had one date-ish... it's not like i dragged it out or led him on - but whatever... he stalks out a moment later - i'm still outside feeling a bit crap - and doesn't even say bye Just gives me the hairy eyeball. I call out bye and he snarls 'bye' back and stalks away without looking... now i'm sorry - and it sux to have a girl or guy you dig say 'thanks, but no thanks' - but i was NICE about it... and he was a bit scary creepy about taking it and i feel as if I MAJORLY dodged a bullet there!!! (hence title)

So then - a few minutes later B'day boy's friend - Dude shows up - could NOT have been better timing as I think the outburst had happened maybe ten minutes earlier!! I had asked B'day about dude the other day, actually, because when I was looking at the guest list i noticed he had a number of facebook friends in common with me that were people I knew from all random walks of life... and of course jokingly asked - is he single and cute }:-) to which he replied fairly cute, and then found out for me he was single too... (B'day boy is good peoples)

When Dude shows, B'day nudges me to stand and be introduced and the thing is we started talking easily right away - the fact that i do fight impressed him a lot right off the bat (heh! Xenaminon!) Dude tells B'day that this bartender from their local wanted him to stop in, so we all push him into going to this other bar where they do things like - well... force drinks down guys throats - whip them with their own belts and then dump ice down their pants - yes this was done to B'day and yes the bartendresses roped me into delivering one of the birthday whippings...

I'm talking to everyone and having a blast, but Dude is definitely spending a lot of time talking to me and we were just really getting along So well - unusual for me to have such an easy time talking to a guy i just met that i find somewhat attractive - he's not super omg hot - but definitely attractive and seems pretty cool... we start to go off to venue number four (yeah - I got home just after 5 sigh) and realize B'day forgot his bag'o'pressies... so I say I'll go get it and meet up with everyone, and Dude runs to catch up and walks with me - entirely unexpectedly - but you know a guy is into you if they follow you off on random errand... so then we go to coyote ugly... and Then we go to some other place for a last beer... and finally B'day is sufficiently intoxicated to call it a good birthday :P and we all start to head home because it's more or less 4am...

Dude - even tho he lives around the corner from where we were in the east village - walks me all the way over to the W4th station and we'd been hanging out with our arms around each others waists for most of those last few hours and while walking... tells me that i should try to get tickets to the Radiohead show tonight (sold out of course - TEARS!) and go with him and his buddies kisses my hand at the train station and then gives me a sweet kiss on the lips (no attempts for tongue - points scored there!) and exchanges numbers with me...

onehundredandeighty degrees from earlier in the evening ;)

confessionals...

I guess I should have known i was not going to keep up with the bloggityblogging while my life was steeped in fight, so I apologize a.) for the lack of story-telling and b.) for the repetition of stories which sound suspiciously like 'this one time? in fight camp?' that are yet to come...

you see, among the many amazing things i learned while in NC - the most mind boggling was that this is The thing... I've always loved theatre - I always loved performance - i've been singing or pretending to dance or generally making a fool of myself for the amusement of others for literally 90% of my life, and it's not as if i ever saw myself stopping that...

but this is different.

you photogs - remember the first time you developed your own prints? playwrights - remember the first time you were willing to show a 'final draft' to someone and they didn't suggest a million edits? or for the directors out there - the first time you heard thunderous applause to a work You envisioned?

that's how i felt the first time I picked up a sword (thanks Qui!) but it pales in comparison to the first time i picked up a Broadsword, or the moment i realized which dagger was 'mine' (and I apologize to all my ACW friends that i badgered when you 'took my dagger' - the rapier was an injury issue - the dagger was me just being a brat...) even that final glorious moment in the 11th hour when Paul fixed what was off in unarmed and i felt the 'AhHa!' of HOW the move was actually supposed to flow and finally saw why it wasn't working (and pissing KJ off to no end, I think, as well... i couldn't Find it until I'd Felt it and I want to cringe for i'm not sure she realizes that's where all my stupid questions and frustration teary-eyed-ness was coming from )

that's another aspect of the confessional actually - and this's my story and i never said it had to be linear... last night I had a mini-revelation followed by a 6 second cry... backstory is required...

I did not have the easiest time gelling with my partner... which is Such a huge understatement it's almost laughable. I actually asked Angela to grant me a divorce from her a week before the SPT's because I had no faith she'd do the work and i felt unsafe (she would often take off as soon as classes or rehearsals ended without making eye contact much less coming up with a strategy, and this was when we had a LOT of work to do and things were overdue - she'd just leave. And worse she'd freeze sometimes when frustrated with a missed move, rather than working it thru... a number of times in rehearsal she stopped dead after forgetting a beat, while i was mid-advance with pointy object... because I actually was watching my partner i managed not to injure her, but it rattled me because I saw how quickly our lack of communication could make things dangerous... my biggest fear was harming her - not my getting hurt - sure id've preferred not to have gotten More injured than I was... but i do run into things a Lot, so i'm used to it) however; rather than splitting us, because the faculty thought if we could get over this major personality difference we'd actually make good work, KJ and Mahaffey staged an intervention instead... we talked, we cried, we hugged it out and then we ran off to join the safd and look at gorgeous lewis shaw pieces that i could not afford, much to my sorrow...

but, despite the sit-down, we never did quite get to that point of open communication i'd have liked - she had other things (boy) on her mind and i was trying so hard to not be a bitch and start directing the thing that I probably held back too much and didn't say things I should have... also she had to sit out of a lot of class, and some rehearsal due to illness, and i'd work the routines on my own if she sat out - but eventually brimmer chastised me for that because it wasn't helping with our partnering which was why distance was sometimes off - well, that and NO one realizes how little i really am... i'm barely 5'3" and my legs just don't go that far!

so, because we weren't talking as much as we should have - and i do own my portion of that because i did get frustrated that we wouldn't work extra hours, and was fighting my own inclination to say 'fuck it.' And because unarmed was the hardest for me, for not only was i rewiring my approach to unarmed because of KJ's brilliance, but also i have a hard time conceiving spatial relationships and need more time to think them thru... the result was there were some really tense days as things were coming down to the wire, and it Still wasn't clicking... the pressure made worse at that point because broadsword was really rocking my personal house and our R&D routine was becoming quite the pretty little dance...

one day i asked a question of my master trying to understand why a move wasn't working - but i phrased it in theatrical terms rather than physical ones and she shut me down 'i can't tell you that - figure it out - i got to move on - fix it!'

i sighed and went back to the floor to try and figure out why i wasn't getting my knee up in time - i did roll my eyes - at myself and my own thickheadedness, with personal frustration at self for not Getting it Yet Damnit!

She thought i was rolling my eyes at her! as if i would ever EVER disrespect the woman who has so inspired me - that I look up to with a cross between hero worship and godlike awe... and she snapped out - don't roll your eyes! do it again and you're out!

I sputtered trying to get out all the following words at once - i'm sorry. i didnt. i didnt realize i was rolling my eyes. i was only rolling them at myself. not at you... - i think i got 4 of them spoken. she had already stalked off... and i felt horrible. if it's possible, i actually stepped up my efforts in that class afterward because i wanted So much for her to be proud of my work, to have taught me...

and it still wasn't pulling together; final rehearsal i begged paul to just walk us through the trouble spots so we could figure out why it wasn't working. And, of course, it was simple stuff: my partner didn't realize she was supposed to come back in and push me on a backhand, I didn't realize which vom she was referring to and had been trying to angle toward the SL one and not the SR one... dumb shit - but i needed it clarified because we'd not really worked the routine in the space all that often, and i need more help readjusting than other people may because of my spatial retardity... we fixed it - that 'ahHa!' moment i referenced earlier - but the night before the tests and i'm just not sure if it was in time...

AND almost certainly not in time for her to SEE that we fixed it - until the test itself... and because of my awe and intimidation of this goddess of fight... (think Hera more than aphrodite) i never got the balls to explain what was going on inside my head; and i think she thinks i was pissed at her and being bitchy - but i wasn't... i don't read right to other girls - i know that, this is why most of my friends are dudes...

so coming back to my point (uh - cat*... there was a point?) {:P} last night i'm thinking over these moments and realizing how Very much my panic for the routine was coming, not from my worry about passing or failing my SPT's, but because i admired this woman so much that i wanted to to do her work as a teacher and choreographer justice... i pray we did (and that no one caught my partner straightening her skirt during the barrel rolls after MJ chastised her for that at fight call... I mean, if i didn't call her out for tagging me in broadsword.... why would i mention that?!)

last night i realized how much i wanted to emulate this woman, i mean as a visceral understanding - not just a knowing... there was a hint of it when MJ and i were IMing about my training plans and he said i 'better watch out or i'll be the next female FM' and my immediate response is 'it'd take two lifetimes for me to get to 1/2 of Jenny's level...' but the reality is i think i want to spend the rest of my career attempting to be 1/2 as cool as K. Jenny Jones....

as Martin told me once - we will never achieve perfection - but as actors we must always strive...