It ain't easy being this pretty...

So.. in this story we have a cast of characters two of whom have the same name and the third who's name is too close to keep this easy to follow... so we'll call them B'day boy - DB (for dodged bullet) - and dude...

While I was in NC got random blast-from-past friending on ye old time-suck facebook... DB was in a show with me last year and apparently just got sucked into the vortex, found me and messaged about a free flogging molly concert...

Free? Flogging Molly? Hell Yeah!!

Turns out it was just a few days after I got back - in that addled period of return where i still hadn't actually Slept yet and was having a hard time not overlaying the campus atop my normal city-walk, readjustment was slow this time as I was loathe to admit i was back in the 'real world'

So I meet up with DB before the concert - we have a few drinks... which turn into a couple drinks... get there just as the boring opening band is finishing up - Perfect timing, grab a beer from the beer tent and get set to enjoy a kick-ass show - only problem was - we were both kinda drunk... the place we stopped beforehand was a buy-one-get-one happy hour deal and the bartendress did not have an - ahem - 'light hand' with the pour... so we pretty much had the equivalent of four drinks in an hour and a half - oops! And at some point in the concert, DB leans down and kisses me (wtf?! where the heck did That come from?!?) well turns out DB had had a thing for me during our show but was seeing some chick and yada yada yada same old story different players... well, i haven't been kissed more than thrice in 8 months at that point and he didn't precisely suck at it - oh and did i mention the excessive consumption of alcohol? So i went along for the ride, it seemed in keeping with the outdoorsy concert and hot irish punk music and was a fun summertime thing ta do... shrug, i don't date and i'm a pretty chaste person all things considered - but every girl needs a little facenom now and again...

So at some point in the evening we decide to go see a mutual friend in a free show that sunday - who was BTW excellent, brilliant actor! - and i get a bit of a shock at the show because some people that betrayed me a while back happened to be in it which i didn't know and that was weird - so we went off walking for a bit after cuz I needed to clear my head (and I hadn't yet twigged that DB kept only suggesting freebie events...) wandered thru a street fair that took over 6th avenue and when my knees started to ache I suggested going to rudy's for some R&R...

ran into another Mutual Friend on the way, so we all went - MF left and i could Not drink any more cheap-ass beer (2 is my limit - yuk!) and I suggested we grab some food because all I'd had to eat that day was a bunch of fruit - which i had thoughtfully brought to the show for snacking... DB, btw brought nothing to the picnic show in the park - nor did he pay for anything at Rudy's... in fact MF brought the first round and then DB pretended to go get drinks and then went 'oh - they don't take cards' in a fake confused voice... and EVERYone knows Rudy's is cash only! But I had money and was planning on covering a round anyway - so I paid, no big.

When I mention food DB starts in the whole 'oh i'm not hungry' vein and I say - no, really i need to eat - so he then goes along... now I am starting to get the hint at this point, so i suggest blockheads - one of my Favorite cheapo summertime haunts because of the perfect storm of cheap food - $3 margaritas - and outside seating...

We have 2 drinks each and some appetizers over the course of the next few hours... turned into an unexpectedly long hang out (and I Know DB was thinking of it as date - but *I* was quite definitely thinking of it as 'test') and unfortunately - while the conversation kept up - i noticed two not good things -a.) i never made eye contact with him while *I* was talking, and when i did it was jarring and a little creepy b.) if i was trying to tell a story he'd continually interrupt me to go off on some inane tangent about himself...

now i have NO issues listening to other people's stories - i love being entertained - but i am a storyteller myself, and do enjoy finishing mine - especially not cool when the interruptions are for boring crap (like, i'm telling deep story of some crazy shit that went down once and he interrupts to say 'yeah, i get that, being in a frat was hard...' WTF??) So I realize this is going nowhere and I start the 'oh, i need to get home' speech... get the check and he starts to say 'I'll get this since you paid for the drinks at Rudy's' and I start the obligatory 'you don't have to do that' and then see his face blanch (i actually thought it was just a figure of speech until this moment) so I simply pull out my card and set it down to pay for my meal...

The check was Thirty Two Dollars - i mean come ON! I spend more than that on Coffee some days!!

But - it gets worse... he insists on at least paying for my drinks since i Did buy a round earlier, I concede and when he hands over the cards to the waiter tells him to put more on my card than the actual price of my food and when he gets his check back UNDERtips the waiter!!! thank god i had already overtipped so at least our guy got something decent.. but o.m.g.! I am pretty much done with the situation at this point - but i can be a bit of a pussy when it comes to letting guys down so when he asks me if he can see me again (again? this was SO not a date!) i hem and haw and say 'we'll see when we have our calendars... we'll... talk'

btw guys? that means 'no' in girlspeak

So, the plot thickens... i've already forgotten about DB more or less - except to gossip about the unholy cheapness and how icky it was! (dude also stole the rest of my food left over from the park!) but B'day boy's party was last night - and DB had already indicated an interest in going - and called me (and I had - uh - avoided both the call and VM from the day before... just didn't have the patience to deal with it yet - but when he called again the next day - sigh... 'hello') to ask if he should cuz he'd really like to see me... sigh, again... i don't say no because i do believe in letting people know you're not interested in person but sorta hope he doesn't show... yet, I am not that lucky... he shows.

I avoid the hell out of him - which should have been a Clear Sign... i mean i hardly say 'hey' cuz it had gotten late enough i'd had hope... and yet when another friend shows I go right up for the big hug and 'Hi!' the new arrival and I step out for a smoke... my friend finishes first and goes in to fetch a drink, and moments later DB steps outside - with a drink in hand which is Super stupid on 2nd avenue in the east village as - hello! cops! he starts lamely trying to be suave (in this instance that's pronounced 'swa-vey') but Ugh! and I finally just go for it rather than continue the farce...

as nicely as humanly possible I say "Sooo... there's this thing... uh, 'insert friend speech here'"

he did NOT take it very well at ALL - started to get a bit pissy and implying i was being an ass and must be crazy because we had this awesome connection..(??) but thank God for B'day boy who stepped out just then, ostensibly to look for other folk coming in, but i knew he was playing wingman for me - god luv'im... I instantly start chatting with B'day and when he wanders inside DB is just pissed that i didn't even pretend like we were having a 'serious conversation' and is like - well that sux cuz I really thought things were great and i felt something and that hasn't happened in a long time (etc etc) I'm leaving...

so now I feel like a first rate heel - but what could i do - i did NOT want to continue that thing and we only had one date-ish... it's not like i dragged it out or led him on - but whatever... he stalks out a moment later - i'm still outside feeling a bit crap - and doesn't even say bye Just gives me the hairy eyeball. I call out bye and he snarls 'bye' back and stalks away without looking... now i'm sorry - and it sux to have a girl or guy you dig say 'thanks, but no thanks' - but i was NICE about it... and he was a bit scary creepy about taking it and i feel as if I MAJORLY dodged a bullet there!!! (hence title)

So then - a few minutes later B'day boy's friend - Dude shows up - could NOT have been better timing as I think the outburst had happened maybe ten minutes earlier!! I had asked B'day about dude the other day, actually, because when I was looking at the guest list i noticed he had a number of facebook friends in common with me that were people I knew from all random walks of life... and of course jokingly asked - is he single and cute }:-) to which he replied fairly cute, and then found out for me he was single too... (B'day boy is good peoples)

When Dude shows, B'day nudges me to stand and be introduced and the thing is we started talking easily right away - the fact that i do fight impressed him a lot right off the bat (heh! Xenaminon!) Dude tells B'day that this bartender from their local wanted him to stop in, so we all push him into going to this other bar where they do things like - well... force drinks down guys throats - whip them with their own belts and then dump ice down their pants - yes this was done to B'day and yes the bartendresses roped me into delivering one of the birthday whippings...

I'm talking to everyone and having a blast, but Dude is definitely spending a lot of time talking to me and we were just really getting along So well - unusual for me to have such an easy time talking to a guy i just met that i find somewhat attractive - he's not super omg hot - but definitely attractive and seems pretty cool... we start to go off to venue number four (yeah - I got home just after 5 sigh) and realize B'day forgot his bag'o'pressies... so I say I'll go get it and meet up with everyone, and Dude runs to catch up and walks with me - entirely unexpectedly - but you know a guy is into you if they follow you off on random errand... so then we go to coyote ugly... and Then we go to some other place for a last beer... and finally B'day is sufficiently intoxicated to call it a good birthday :P and we all start to head home because it's more or less 4am...

Dude - even tho he lives around the corner from where we were in the east village - walks me all the way over to the W4th station and we'd been hanging out with our arms around each others waists for most of those last few hours and while walking... tells me that i should try to get tickets to the Radiohead show tonight (sold out of course - TEARS!) and go with him and his buddies kisses my hand at the train station and then gives me a sweet kiss on the lips (no attempts for tongue - points scored there!) and exchanges numbers with me...

onehundredandeighty degrees from earlier in the evening ;)

confessionals...

I guess I should have known i was not going to keep up with the bloggityblogging while my life was steeped in fight, so I apologize a.) for the lack of story-telling and b.) for the repetition of stories which sound suspiciously like 'this one time? in fight camp?' that are yet to come...

you see, among the many amazing things i learned while in NC - the most mind boggling was that this is The thing... I've always loved theatre - I always loved performance - i've been singing or pretending to dance or generally making a fool of myself for the amusement of others for literally 90% of my life, and it's not as if i ever saw myself stopping that...

but this is different.

you photogs - remember the first time you developed your own prints? playwrights - remember the first time you were willing to show a 'final draft' to someone and they didn't suggest a million edits? or for the directors out there - the first time you heard thunderous applause to a work You envisioned?

that's how i felt the first time I picked up a sword (thanks Qui!) but it pales in comparison to the first time i picked up a Broadsword, or the moment i realized which dagger was 'mine' (and I apologize to all my ACW friends that i badgered when you 'took my dagger' - the rapier was an injury issue - the dagger was me just being a brat...) even that final glorious moment in the 11th hour when Paul fixed what was off in unarmed and i felt the 'AhHa!' of HOW the move was actually supposed to flow and finally saw why it wasn't working (and pissing KJ off to no end, I think, as well... i couldn't Find it until I'd Felt it and I want to cringe for i'm not sure she realizes that's where all my stupid questions and frustration teary-eyed-ness was coming from )

that's another aspect of the confessional actually - and this's my story and i never said it had to be linear... last night I had a mini-revelation followed by a 6 second cry... backstory is required...

I did not have the easiest time gelling with my partner... which is Such a huge understatement it's almost laughable. I actually asked Angela to grant me a divorce from her a week before the SPT's because I had no faith she'd do the work and i felt unsafe (she would often take off as soon as classes or rehearsals ended without making eye contact much less coming up with a strategy, and this was when we had a LOT of work to do and things were overdue - she'd just leave. And worse she'd freeze sometimes when frustrated with a missed move, rather than working it thru... a number of times in rehearsal she stopped dead after forgetting a beat, while i was mid-advance with pointy object... because I actually was watching my partner i managed not to injure her, but it rattled me because I saw how quickly our lack of communication could make things dangerous... my biggest fear was harming her - not my getting hurt - sure id've preferred not to have gotten More injured than I was... but i do run into things a Lot, so i'm used to it) however; rather than splitting us, because the faculty thought if we could get over this major personality difference we'd actually make good work, KJ and Mahaffey staged an intervention instead... we talked, we cried, we hugged it out and then we ran off to join the safd and look at gorgeous lewis shaw pieces that i could not afford, much to my sorrow...

but, despite the sit-down, we never did quite get to that point of open communication i'd have liked - she had other things (boy) on her mind and i was trying so hard to not be a bitch and start directing the thing that I probably held back too much and didn't say things I should have... also she had to sit out of a lot of class, and some rehearsal due to illness, and i'd work the routines on my own if she sat out - but eventually brimmer chastised me for that because it wasn't helping with our partnering which was why distance was sometimes off - well, that and NO one realizes how little i really am... i'm barely 5'3" and my legs just don't go that far!

so, because we weren't talking as much as we should have - and i do own my portion of that because i did get frustrated that we wouldn't work extra hours, and was fighting my own inclination to say 'fuck it.' And because unarmed was the hardest for me, for not only was i rewiring my approach to unarmed because of KJ's brilliance, but also i have a hard time conceiving spatial relationships and need more time to think them thru... the result was there were some really tense days as things were coming down to the wire, and it Still wasn't clicking... the pressure made worse at that point because broadsword was really rocking my personal house and our R&D routine was becoming quite the pretty little dance...

one day i asked a question of my master trying to understand why a move wasn't working - but i phrased it in theatrical terms rather than physical ones and she shut me down 'i can't tell you that - figure it out - i got to move on - fix it!'

i sighed and went back to the floor to try and figure out why i wasn't getting my knee up in time - i did roll my eyes - at myself and my own thickheadedness, with personal frustration at self for not Getting it Yet Damnit!

She thought i was rolling my eyes at her! as if i would ever EVER disrespect the woman who has so inspired me - that I look up to with a cross between hero worship and godlike awe... and she snapped out - don't roll your eyes! do it again and you're out!

I sputtered trying to get out all the following words at once - i'm sorry. i didnt. i didnt realize i was rolling my eyes. i was only rolling them at myself. not at you... - i think i got 4 of them spoken. she had already stalked off... and i felt horrible. if it's possible, i actually stepped up my efforts in that class afterward because i wanted So much for her to be proud of my work, to have taught me...

and it still wasn't pulling together; final rehearsal i begged paul to just walk us through the trouble spots so we could figure out why it wasn't working. And, of course, it was simple stuff: my partner didn't realize she was supposed to come back in and push me on a backhand, I didn't realize which vom she was referring to and had been trying to angle toward the SL one and not the SR one... dumb shit - but i needed it clarified because we'd not really worked the routine in the space all that often, and i need more help readjusting than other people may because of my spatial retardity... we fixed it - that 'ahHa!' moment i referenced earlier - but the night before the tests and i'm just not sure if it was in time...

AND almost certainly not in time for her to SEE that we fixed it - until the test itself... and because of my awe and intimidation of this goddess of fight... (think Hera more than aphrodite) i never got the balls to explain what was going on inside my head; and i think she thinks i was pissed at her and being bitchy - but i wasn't... i don't read right to other girls - i know that, this is why most of my friends are dudes...

so coming back to my point (uh - cat*... there was a point?) {:P} last night i'm thinking over these moments and realizing how Very much my panic for the routine was coming, not from my worry about passing or failing my SPT's, but because i admired this woman so much that i wanted to to do her work as a teacher and choreographer justice... i pray we did (and that no one caught my partner straightening her skirt during the barrel rolls after MJ chastised her for that at fight call... I mean, if i didn't call her out for tagging me in broadsword.... why would i mention that?!)

last night i realized how much i wanted to emulate this woman, i mean as a visceral understanding - not just a knowing... there was a hint of it when MJ and i were IMing about my training plans and he said i 'better watch out or i'll be the next female FM' and my immediate response is 'it'd take two lifetimes for me to get to 1/2 of Jenny's level...' but the reality is i think i want to spend the rest of my career attempting to be 1/2 as cool as K. Jenny Jones....

as Martin told me once - we will never achieve perfection - but as actors we must always strive...