then the idiot-boy said something brilliantly stupid... I mean I'm sure in his head it sounded pithy, witty and cute (because he's not a cruel man deep-down) but i'm lying there in his arms (still a little wobbly and not yet ready to fully open my eyes) and he says...
well I can say if someone asks that I definitely do Not have a girlfriend, but i can say i have a Sex Kittento my credit - without missing a beat i responded...
that's because i haven't decided to Let you be my boyfriend yet, you'll have to win me over better than that... ask me again in a month or twobut - of course - in my head i'm thinking 'gee dear, really? glad to see that i mean nothing more than a toy to you... clearly my caring for you is a one way street.' because - unfortunately - i do care for the man, deeply... I think i'm even a little bit in love. well, no - not 'in love' - but i do love him a bit and that foolish thoughtless statement hurt me big-time.
Yes we have an 'understanding' and yes this is currently dubbed a 'casual' relationship... but that doesn't mean it has to be thoughtless and that caring can't enter into it. and, frankly, I don't BOTHER to date someone if i don't see the potential for it to be a worthwhile relationship... I mean really what's the point (banal conversation and mediocre sex?)
now - i'm not sitting here saying 'commit to me or else!!' because a.) ooh scary and b.) i'm not ready yet to give him much more than the admission that i have feelings and would like to let this 'thing' continue to grow...
but i also know that if it keeps growing the way it has been and no one does anything terribly stupid and/or hurtful to one another, then eventually that little nugget of love in my heart is going to grow up to be a real live boy... uh, i mean emotion.
As my good friend said when I was bitching about this Stupid statement to her 'he likes you, he's just thinking with his balls not his mind'... all well and good for a one-night stand, not so intelligent for an ongoing whatever-this-is... and I have been making a point to take his heart into account... mine has no Less scar tissue on it than his does.. I guess I'm just a bit braver is all.
the fact of the matter is - as we get closer i seem to have a built in '48-hours later... RUN!' clause. And this is the second week in a row i've almost broken up with Him a couple days after I saw him because the feelings are feeling too feelingY... i've had to admit to myself that i Do want this to work out... and have no idea if he sees this as something that could grow - or if it's only supposed to be a lovership of sorts.
frankly, i'm not interested in a dead-end-street, no matter how pretty the cobblestones might be. i can be patient (stop Laughing at me! I CAN!) if there's room for things to change and become more as time goes on... but if this is all it will ever be...
time to go - and I already got my running shoes on...
1 comment:
Boys say stupid things. All of them. Until they're too old to talk anymore, or dead, whichever comes first.
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