confessionals...

I guess I should have known i was not going to keep up with the bloggityblogging while my life was steeped in fight, so I apologize a.) for the lack of story-telling and b.) for the repetition of stories which sound suspiciously like 'this one time? in fight camp?' that are yet to come...

you see, among the many amazing things i learned while in NC - the most mind boggling was that this is The thing... I've always loved theatre - I always loved performance - i've been singing or pretending to dance or generally making a fool of myself for the amusement of others for literally 90% of my life, and it's not as if i ever saw myself stopping that...

but this is different.

you photogs - remember the first time you developed your own prints? playwrights - remember the first time you were willing to show a 'final draft' to someone and they didn't suggest a million edits? or for the directors out there - the first time you heard thunderous applause to a work You envisioned?

that's how i felt the first time I picked up a sword (thanks Qui!) but it pales in comparison to the first time i picked up a Broadsword, or the moment i realized which dagger was 'mine' (and I apologize to all my ACW friends that i badgered when you 'took my dagger' - the rapier was an injury issue - the dagger was me just being a brat...) even that final glorious moment in the 11th hour when Paul fixed what was off in unarmed and i felt the 'AhHa!' of HOW the move was actually supposed to flow and finally saw why it wasn't working (and pissing KJ off to no end, I think, as well... i couldn't Find it until I'd Felt it and I want to cringe for i'm not sure she realizes that's where all my stupid questions and frustration teary-eyed-ness was coming from )

that's another aspect of the confessional actually - and this's my story and i never said it had to be linear... last night I had a mini-revelation followed by a 6 second cry... backstory is required...

I did not have the easiest time gelling with my partner... which is Such a huge understatement it's almost laughable. I actually asked Angela to grant me a divorce from her a week before the SPT's because I had no faith she'd do the work and i felt unsafe (she would often take off as soon as classes or rehearsals ended without making eye contact much less coming up with a strategy, and this was when we had a LOT of work to do and things were overdue - she'd just leave. And worse she'd freeze sometimes when frustrated with a missed move, rather than working it thru... a number of times in rehearsal she stopped dead after forgetting a beat, while i was mid-advance with pointy object... because I actually was watching my partner i managed not to injure her, but it rattled me because I saw how quickly our lack of communication could make things dangerous... my biggest fear was harming her - not my getting hurt - sure id've preferred not to have gotten More injured than I was... but i do run into things a Lot, so i'm used to it) however; rather than splitting us, because the faculty thought if we could get over this major personality difference we'd actually make good work, KJ and Mahaffey staged an intervention instead... we talked, we cried, we hugged it out and then we ran off to join the safd and look at gorgeous lewis shaw pieces that i could not afford, much to my sorrow...

but, despite the sit-down, we never did quite get to that point of open communication i'd have liked - she had other things (boy) on her mind and i was trying so hard to not be a bitch and start directing the thing that I probably held back too much and didn't say things I should have... also she had to sit out of a lot of class, and some rehearsal due to illness, and i'd work the routines on my own if she sat out - but eventually brimmer chastised me for that because it wasn't helping with our partnering which was why distance was sometimes off - well, that and NO one realizes how little i really am... i'm barely 5'3" and my legs just don't go that far!

so, because we weren't talking as much as we should have - and i do own my portion of that because i did get frustrated that we wouldn't work extra hours, and was fighting my own inclination to say 'fuck it.' And because unarmed was the hardest for me, for not only was i rewiring my approach to unarmed because of KJ's brilliance, but also i have a hard time conceiving spatial relationships and need more time to think them thru... the result was there were some really tense days as things were coming down to the wire, and it Still wasn't clicking... the pressure made worse at that point because broadsword was really rocking my personal house and our R&D routine was becoming quite the pretty little dance...

one day i asked a question of my master trying to understand why a move wasn't working - but i phrased it in theatrical terms rather than physical ones and she shut me down 'i can't tell you that - figure it out - i got to move on - fix it!'

i sighed and went back to the floor to try and figure out why i wasn't getting my knee up in time - i did roll my eyes - at myself and my own thickheadedness, with personal frustration at self for not Getting it Yet Damnit!

She thought i was rolling my eyes at her! as if i would ever EVER disrespect the woman who has so inspired me - that I look up to with a cross between hero worship and godlike awe... and she snapped out - don't roll your eyes! do it again and you're out!

I sputtered trying to get out all the following words at once - i'm sorry. i didnt. i didnt realize i was rolling my eyes. i was only rolling them at myself. not at you... - i think i got 4 of them spoken. she had already stalked off... and i felt horrible. if it's possible, i actually stepped up my efforts in that class afterward because i wanted So much for her to be proud of my work, to have taught me...

and it still wasn't pulling together; final rehearsal i begged paul to just walk us through the trouble spots so we could figure out why it wasn't working. And, of course, it was simple stuff: my partner didn't realize she was supposed to come back in and push me on a backhand, I didn't realize which vom she was referring to and had been trying to angle toward the SL one and not the SR one... dumb shit - but i needed it clarified because we'd not really worked the routine in the space all that often, and i need more help readjusting than other people may because of my spatial retardity... we fixed it - that 'ahHa!' moment i referenced earlier - but the night before the tests and i'm just not sure if it was in time...

AND almost certainly not in time for her to SEE that we fixed it - until the test itself... and because of my awe and intimidation of this goddess of fight... (think Hera more than aphrodite) i never got the balls to explain what was going on inside my head; and i think she thinks i was pissed at her and being bitchy - but i wasn't... i don't read right to other girls - i know that, this is why most of my friends are dudes...

so coming back to my point (uh - cat*... there was a point?) {:P} last night i'm thinking over these moments and realizing how Very much my panic for the routine was coming, not from my worry about passing or failing my SPT's, but because i admired this woman so much that i wanted to to do her work as a teacher and choreographer justice... i pray we did (and that no one caught my partner straightening her skirt during the barrel rolls after MJ chastised her for that at fight call... I mean, if i didn't call her out for tagging me in broadsword.... why would i mention that?!)

last night i realized how much i wanted to emulate this woman, i mean as a visceral understanding - not just a knowing... there was a hint of it when MJ and i were IMing about my training plans and he said i 'better watch out or i'll be the next female FM' and my immediate response is 'it'd take two lifetimes for me to get to 1/2 of Jenny's level...' but the reality is i think i want to spend the rest of my career attempting to be 1/2 as cool as K. Jenny Jones....

as Martin told me once - we will never achieve perfection - but as actors we must always strive...