it's funny cuz' it's true...

Another badish habit of mine is the crush...

I don't mean having an attraction to someone - feeling them out - perhaps going on a date or even (shock! awe!) two to see if there is a mutual compatibility and then either parting friends or living happily ever after until the next pair of eyes leads you astray...

I mean - the unattainable beauty you talk about incessantly to ALL of your friends (ad nauseum - by definition) that you dayandnight-dream about wondering if any of your fantasies ever have the leastest chance of touching the boundaries of reality and knowing that were they to do so the universe as we all know it would implode... the one you avoid eye contact with at work/school/church/that party/class because you know if you locked gazes you'd a.) become a stumbling-mumbling idiot and likely drool all over your new shoes - but more importantly because b.) you KNOW that once they realized that all brain functionality had ceased on your end that they would figure out your big secret that you Like-them like-them....

I am masterful at this game - it keeps me out of having to deal with nasty sticky little objects like feelings and emotions and real-life with real people... i mean you start messing around with that stuff and the next thing you know you actually care and then they can hurt you because chinks in armor have been found and no one ever really stays...

ahem

i mean, i have a terrible habit of really liking someone - and then when I Have them... realizing i didn't want Them so much as I wanted the game.. I'm Such a dude when it comes to that - addicted to the chase, no interest in the pay-off - thing... I honestly couldn't tell you how many people I was really into until the moment i heard they were into me back and then all I could see was crooked tooth, pimple, love-handle, bad taste in clothes, annoying laugh, clearly not a big enough package.... or whatever other reason I would find to cull them from the list... and this is after already being one of the pickier women I know when it comes to definitions of attraction... and she wonders why she's perpetually single folks!

so, as per usual, there's this guy... i've liked him for a while but only recently gotten to know him and I was busy with my most recent affair when we met so I was distracted at first... and then the swell of fortune's tide took us back into one another's proximity and I was forced to interact with him on a routine basis... for the first few weeks I thoroughly enjoyed my typical response - the crushY playful excitement of random encounter - the play-by-play with best girl friends... and my ex, because really he's as much of one of my BgF's as any of the ladies... the building anticipation throughout the week as it came closer to the day i would see Him again...

all in good fun, sure - no worries - i didn't even take it Seriously, know my pattern Watched it happening Called it my 'impossible crush' and him the 'man of my pipe-dreams'... and then something shifted...

maybe it was because there weren't that many of us there that day so all of us were being less than - ahem - professional... maybe it was just my complete sleep-deprivation causing me to forgo any filter whatsoever and, being maskless, just reacted to him as a Me rather than as a 'girl i think might not freak him out or make him think i'm retarded' but something was different and yes *I* flirted... altho' I didn't start it necessarily I also didn't pull off into the road of 'safe response' like i probably would have... and I certainly didn't pull any punches when he brat-attacked me... in front of everyone I might add... omg - he actually even literally pulled my pigtails at one point... if we were five i'd be Sure he liked me back... but being in our thirties... so much harder to read...

so i walked away and spent that evening and the next day trying desperately to convince myself that i didn't like him - wasn't even Attracted to him anymore and clearly that weird phase of crush I had was silly and is now Over!

yes - i'm the girl that as soon as the guy she likes starts acting interested back runs screaming in the opposite direction

because then I had to acknowledge that I actually liked him... not just wanted to jump him - not just foolishly attracted to him because i know he is bad for me - not just creating a fantasy in my head so i don't notice how lonely i am in my current situation... but i actually liked this guy who exists in real life and does actual things and some small few of them have been for my benefit - and I can't even quite wrap my brain around that; that for some reason i haven't yet made him think so badly of me that he wouldn't, couldn't be bothered to help me...

i mentioned him to my dad on the phone this morning - and as I knew his response would be - my dad loves him already... in an odd way he actually reminds me of my dad - and that has also been something i've slightly struggled with, because it's a little weird... thankfully the similarities are Not physical (which would just be gross) but as far as certain personality traits and moral/spiritual grounding is concerned... yeah...

basically -- he is the guy i would have fallen desperately and instantly in love with when I first moved to the city - when I was still in touch with my upbringing and my spiritual self (rather than the x-mas card exchange situation i've got going on with that part of me these days) and part of me wants to believe that that girl is still in there somewhere and that there really is a boy who wants that girl and will be there with her... and most of me is dead frightened that i've gone too far - been hurt too much - become too guarded, jaded, and broken that the girl i was will never be right for the boy she had hoped one day to find...

it's like he's too late ya know? and it's not Fair!