so you gotta let me know-oh... should i stay or should i go...

the other night I was playing with my not-boyfriend... and yes you dirty dogs when I say playing I do not mean 'scrabble'

then the idiot-boy said something brilliantly stupid... I mean I'm sure in his head it sounded pithy, witty and cute (because he's not a cruel man deep-down) but i'm lying there in his arms (still a little wobbly and not yet ready to fully open my eyes) and he says...

well I can say if someone asks that I definitely do Not have a girlfriend, but i can say i have a Sex Kitten

to my credit - without missing a beat i responded...

that's because i haven't decided to Let you be my boyfriend yet, you'll have to win me over better than that... ask me again in a month or two

but - of course - in my head i'm thinking 'gee dear, really? glad to see that i mean nothing more than a toy to you... clearly my caring for you is a one way street.' because - unfortunately - i do care for the man, deeply... I think i'm even a little bit in love. well, no - not 'in love' - but i do love him a bit and that foolish thoughtless statement hurt me big-time.

Yes we have an 'understanding' and yes this is currently dubbed a 'casual' relationship... but that doesn't mean it has to be thoughtless and that caring can't enter into it. and, frankly, I don't BOTHER to date someone if i don't see the potential for it to be a worthwhile relationship... I mean really what's the point (banal conversation and mediocre sex?)

now - i'm not sitting here saying 'commit to me or else!!' because a.) ooh scary and b.) i'm not ready yet to give him much more than the admission that i have feelings and would like to let this 'thing' continue to grow...

but i also know that if it keeps growing the way it has been and no one does anything terribly stupid and/or hurtful to one another, then eventually that little nugget of love in my heart is going to grow up to be a real live boy... uh, i mean emotion.

As my good friend said when I was bitching about this Stupid statement to her 'he likes you, he's just thinking with his balls not his mind'... all well and good for a one-night stand, not so intelligent for an ongoing whatever-this-is... and I have been making a point to take his heart into account... mine has no Less scar tissue on it than his does.. I guess I'm just a bit braver is all.

the fact of the matter is - as we get closer i seem to have a built in '48-hours later... RUN!' clause. And this is the second week in a row i've almost broken up with Him a couple days after I saw him because the feelings are feeling too feelingY... i've had to admit to myself that i Do want this to work out... and have no idea if he sees this as something that could grow - or if it's only supposed to be a lovership of sorts.

frankly, i'm not interested in a dead-end-street, no matter how pretty the cobblestones might be. i can be patient (stop Laughing at me! I CAN!) if there's room for things to change and become more as time goes on... but if this is all it will ever be...

time to go - and I already got my running shoes on...

do a little dance, make a little love...

Falling is rarely fun - especially if, like me, you are klutzy and accident prone as 'tis... as I like to say - i'm only graceful with a weapon in my hand. It happens to also be truth. the other night i fell twice - once while working on a fight for funsies over at en gaurde... the 2nd time in bed (well at least there was padding right?)

My lover and I have an understanding... our pseudo-relationship is stringless and practically label-less... I believe the phrase we agreed upon was 'the person sharing my bed.' Both of us have more than the allotted amount of carry-on baggage and the gentleman, in particular, has requested a freedom to explore other opportunities of romantic entanglement should the desire arise; I countered with 'as long as the desire stays in your pants until such time as you have cleared the concept with me first and allowed me the choice of remaining in this situation whilst you fertilize other fields'

i really am not great at sharing and frankly should he decide he'd rather plow a different furrow I believe our understanding will at that time come to an end... and i Will cry - but I will not waver...

the only hitch in this oh-so-very-mature-sounding-plan is... he only ever asked if I could agree to this set-up... he never actually asked if it was what I wanted. But it didn't occur to me until just now that that aspect of the conversation had not been addressed... and I've just managed to make me wonder.

There's a phrase that has haunted my romantic life as far back as I can remember... 'feels like home;' it's in movies and music, has been whispered to me by a spider as he escorted me into his parlor (one from which I very nearly didn't escape) and yet continues to call to me as i have in this life generally felt a nomad in my own skin... and ever-so-rarely-often we run into those mortals whose skin resonates at the same frequency ours does and you sink into the lovely feeling of belonging (whether or not the reality supports that belief system - it is visceral and therefor difficult to ignore)

Here I stand again - feeling versus knowledge at competition within myself. I know to be fact that my relationship can barely be described as 'dating' and I have told him to his face that I would Not call him my Boyfriend... but even in the short span we have been lovers i've come to accept and appreciate his presence in my bed and have noticed I tend to hug 'his' pillow closer when I fall asleep alone these days.

Don't get me wrong - i am So not in love... I mean, hell I've only known the guy about 6 months (if that) and we've not even been doing - this... whatever you call it - a month... but i have honestly had to catch myself periodically from saying or doing or thinking something inappropriately 'close' because he feels like... well, home.

And then this thing happened... I met up with him at a place where he was watching a thing with some friends... (ok - a Bar and a comedy show - see, it really didn't matter what the noun's were) and after some groovy hanging out we then went to my place... the plan was to watch a video but the DVD wouldn't scan (I use a PS2 for all my media needs - it's not 100%) and my 'puter needs speakers and the volume couldn't be adjusted for actual viewing... so we started making out instead... ya know, like ya do. eventually this led to where all good make-out sessions lead, the boudoir, and this isn't That kind of blog so you're not getting any details!

Well, ok, just this one - because this is the point of the story. at some point my focus shifted, and I stopped worrying so damn much about my own pleasure (and trust me it wasn't for lack of opportunity) and slipped into 'giving rather than getting' mode. I have always found as much pleasure out of watching my lovers enjoy themselves and, while this was no exception, it Was a 'more so.' Somehow my heart tripped just a little and as shudders happened physically - internally, spiritually, i felt my own...

it was a little stumble - I didn't fall far... and jumped back to my feet quickly and self-lectured not to mistake that bobble for a real emotion, not to mistake the moment for anything other than a beautiful one and not to see future from the recent present... kept that lecture going until he rolled over and captured me in his embrace asking 'and what are you muttering about over there?" 'nothing!' i said vehemently, and stuck to that story when pressed... how do you tell your not-boyfriend that you were busy reminding yourself that you were not in love with him?

I left him asleep in my bed the next morning... I had to get to work yet it was admittedly difficult to leave. I had a smile on my face all day...

but that's all that was...